Mom
Sometimes emotions just hit. It is like a hurricane. It brews out in the middle of somewhere you can’t really see and then it comes ashore, and you can’t run fast enough to avoid the pain it is destined to inflict. Some days I think I am fine, and I can handle just about anything that is thrown my way and then I think of her. I struggled all day today. I avoided my feelings by doing things I had to do and then shopping. The anger just slowly fizzing until I exploded all over those who don’t deserve it and probably have no clue what is really going on either. It’s not like anyone asks…
I remembered though; God is always there. He hears me wherever I am, He comforts me, He is there. So, I took a short drive to visit the women I’ve lost in my life and talked to God. I miss all of them, but I especially miss the woman who raised me and taught me everything. My red headed, pistol of a grandmother who I call mom. The woman who encompassed love just by being alive. The woman who smiled every time I entered a room, who loved me unconditionally and never gave up on me, despite my stupid choices and mistakes. She was and still is, everything to me. I missed her birthday last year because I had to work, I had no idea it would be my last chance to attend one. I regret it every day but today, on her birthday, the regret is even stronger. How do you apologize to someone who is no longer here? How do you make up for lost time if they are looking down from above?
Happy 79th Birthday, Mom.
If you could hear me, I would say,
You were my best friend. You hugged me even when I didn’t want it, you loved me even though I didn’t deserve it. You were always there to pick me up when I fell, you helped me become a mom and taught me to take care of myself and my family. You accepted me, flaws, and all. Losing you was the hardest loss I have ever encountered in my life. Today, I feel like I can’t breathe. But I can hear your voice telling me it will be okay because God has it. You would remind me that you love me, and I can hear your voice crack as tears fill your eyes and you tell me how proud you are of me. I am sorry I missed time with you. I am sorry I left the last few years but I know God used those years to break me so I can live for Him. I am grateful I felt a pull to come back when I did because it gave me 6 months living in the same state as you before the good Lord took you home. I am grateful I slept next to you again, like I did when I was small. I hope one day to see you again in heaven. To see you renewed and pain free, truly happy and worshipping Jesus. I am so glad you are no longer in tears because of the pain you felt on daily basis. I miss you, I love you, I will never forget you.
P.R. Brooks 